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Rest. Ritual. Recipes~ healing, woundedness, metabolising, energetics, rebirth, getting free. drink as you pour/ eat as you feed/ grow as you nurture

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R E C I P E ~ snacks and small meals Samosa!!! Who doesn't like a samosa and why the........ not?!? Actually these are mini gluten free and vegan samosa. Wait is it samosa or samosas??? So I made the wrong shape bc of brain fog. Semi circles or rectangles are best to roll a samosa but hey its OK. They taste great. Good snacks, very portable and easy to transport ~ all you need is a tupperware you can find 🀭 FILLING (panjabi style with a twist n all organic) Purple carrot Yellow potato Sweetcorn Onion Garlic, ginger, green chilli Pomegranate n mango powder Cumin, tumeric and garam masala, salt, ajwain πŸ₯Ÿ METHOD ~Pressure Cook or boil the potato (I pressure cook for a soft fluffy almost mushy but still firm texture) ~Chop onion, garlic, ginger and saute with spices ~Add carrot and sweetcorn and cook until tender ~Add cooked potato and let it all amalgamate. ~ season, sprinkle coriander and let cool ~Cut n a shape pastry (I bought pre bought as I have fatigue but il share a home made pastry recipe soon!) into circle or rectangular wrappers and wrap into a 3D triangle and fill. Tip: Do not overfill! ~Seal with pressure and water if needed. ~Sprinkle with ajwain seeds (optional) (good for digestion) ~ brush with oil (rapeseed) ~ bake on 200celcius for 15~20 mins DEVOUR!

R E C I P E ~snacks and small meals πŸ₯ͺ I'm eating to heal my gut and my adrenals which means being careful with what I eat and eating healing easy digestible foods, taking digestive enzymes to help break down food so it doesn't sit and ferment in the gut, but eating fermented foods that increase good bacteria and gut biome function and eating little and often ~ every 2 hrs so that adrenals are steady and not over functioning and resting. πŸ₯ͺ This moist deli sandwich is hitting the spot. Inspired by @relliej πŸ₯ͺ INGREDIENTS Genius cob gf 'good for your gut' linseed bread (pricey but so worth it) Mustard and mayo Lettuce Quorn mycoprotein fake chicken slices Sauerkraut πŸ₯ͺ Makes a really tasty snack! Don't usually do sandwiches but using good ingreds for it really makes the diff. They're also really easy to transport too.

πŸ“’ M A N T R A πŸ“£ This is the only image of me, taken by Ajamu X, that I have ever liked of myself. Captured at a time I felt good about my body and self. Been feeling pretty the opposite at the moment and using it as a tool ~a reminder of self love. πŸ’„ Affirmations always help me in these times too...I have unhealthy patterns of self doubt and hate that have been inscribed onto me by various people (family, lovers, friends, strangers, institutions) that left me feeling inadequate, unworthy and unloved. it is important to counteract in repetition so they become a pattern themselves and so negative beliefs are reformulated into positive. Simple but effective. You don't have to believe them straight away but they do sink in and interrupt the negative: I am worthy of love I am caring and loving I am sensitive I am tender hearted I am romantic I am kind I am gentle I am a good listener I am loyal I am attentive I am talented I am good enough I deserve safe, healthy and loving relationships What always surprises me is that what comes up for me is so basic, and what is also so interesting is that it often resonates with so many others. This also takes me out of my own head and negative feelings for myself by questioning how others are often treated and feel so similarly and this being a problem with the world we live in and not ourselves. It can be embarrassing to admit I feel these things about myself but then I remember that I've experienced alot of violence and harm and I'm not the one who should be feeling embarrassed or silenced by it.

R E C I P E ~ pastries (gluten free) I need to eat snacks and small meals often but struggle with what to make/carry/feels interesting enough and has enough vitamins. This recipe/snack SPINACH PUFFS is both healthy and a treat to improve my appetite (which is low due to gut pain and deficiencies). I filled the pastries with a an easy spinach, onion, garlic and goats cheese seasoned mix (I forgot to put the pine nuts due to brain fog). It also contains sesame. These ingreds are especially good for iron and B vits (yes even the cheese). I didn't seal all the edges bc I was tired and wanted an easy assemble, which means they are more open which might compromise the crispness, but I don't mind that. Seal them completely if you wish but then this will be more pastry to filling ratio and I wanted a good balance health wise also (more filling). It's nice to have (gluten free) pastry when ur used to not being able to eat it ~ a treat!

Looking at cacti and succulents

🌫️H E A V I N E S S 🌫️ There's a saying: the calm before the storm but there is also another perspective: after a storm comes a calm. Either way these sayings suggest that heavy times will come but will also pass ~ just like these heavy grey clouds. They need to release and once they are done the sun comes out again, as it did today. It might not always be so quick and you may feel the heaviness weighing you down for longer than you can take ~ but they will pass, change is inevitable. 🌫️ I've been feeling some heaviness recently that I can't shake off. I actually feel it now more during the calm than during the storm. This is sometimes how it works bc we are more able to process feelings after the moment of survival or endurance. 🌦️ The heavy clouds today are a reminder: ~To practice patience ~To not get caught up in the downpour of dramatics but stepping back to enjoy witnessing it ~ be present for the shifts ~ allow myself to feel the heaviness in the knowledge it will pass ~ surrendering to and not controlling my emotions The worst that can happen is that you get rained on and then you will eventually dry off. If you try to stay dry you might not leave the house and see the incredible view. πŸŒͺ️ I enjoyed facing the storm today and found it cathartic.

R E C I P E ☠️(grief) I went to do avesose (pay respects) at my cousins house yesterday as her father / my mum's brother / my uncle had recently passed. We sat and talked about his death process, his send off, the 14hrs piss up after, memories of him and us all in Kenya, family dysfunctions and troubles, alot about men in my family but also my late aunt and how she was so central to so much in our family and in my uncles life. She was my mother's best friend in the fam and we would always go stay with her and my uncle every year we went back home to Nairobi. We did this all with 'bitings' that my cousin rustled up: samosa, fried chicken wings (our own better KFC ~ which had just opened in Kenya but no one goes to on account of making better at home) plus a multitude of dips. I realised how important food is a ritual in grief, how it bring people together under difficult circumstances to remember and reflect and process. How its so much part of S Asian culture but also the Kenyan hospitality is so next level as well. As batches and batches kept coming and we kept getting fed. Tbh it was ALOT for me to digest ~ the patriarchy especially ~ more than anything else. My complex relationship to and disconnection from my family being re-evoked. How hard its been to not be cis male for many of us in the family and how we have suffered for not being cis male. I realised how much death becomes part of life and its about what we do in these times and remembering that we are lucky to be alive and living and enjoying what we can when we can and showing gratitude for it. But who gets to live the life they want? Celebrating life even in death and how much food (and alcohol for some) becomes a huge part of this process also. It got me thinking about sustenance and its function, how trauma is undealt with through centring consumption but also how it helps bring communities together in conversation at the same time. It left me thinking what else is needed for trauma to be resolved and how patriarchy is perpetuated through food also. How can we all be equal in our need for sustenance/ wellbeing and yet there is so much gendered oppression within it. Grief is so so complex.

πŸ€”S U C C E S S / F A I L U R EπŸŽ‰ tempering chocolate is complicated. Working with chocolate is temperamental. You need to heat it up to a certain temperature (hot) then bring it down (warm) whilst beating vigorously. it needs a consistent warm room temperature but not over the temperature of the melting point of chocolate. It doesn't like drafts. This summer I've been working with chocolate to try new flavours and ideas. I love chocolate as a medium bc it is medicinal, healing and spiritually valuable. It's also fascinating materially ~ it can be re used again and again but can seize with any moisture or spoil with extreme weather condition (heat/cold). I'm really pleased with the success of my flavours (I was told by my first taster who's opinion I value highly as a chocolate connoisseur that the Rosemary, Thyme and Sea Salt was one of the best chocolates they had eaten) but I've had alot of failure in the process (blooming due to hot temperatures). Failure has meant more practice which has meant developing skills, it has also meant I can refine the flavours and textures more, get to know the material better and taste ALOT of chocolate πŸ˜‰ There's a saying that success is only borne out of failure and yet we don't often disclose or admit this, to ourselves or others. Im thinking alot about success and failures interdependent relationship to each other as well as my interdependent relationship to them respectively also and how this impacts what decisions I make in life and what I do.

U N T I T L E D (πŸ‘€) piece of cake but there's more than one one slice won't tell you how the whole cake tastes, each piece is different.. I always feel self conscious to cross my legs, I notice them watching my body language.. im not conscious of my body language until i notice them staring at my body parts as if to say... I feel like this cacti all bent outta shape but not a care, come close and you will get a spike on you but I know you want closeness... proximity to me or your impression of me.. projection I'm trying to not try to live up to...its been a rocky terrain to figure this out, 'this', not my gender but how to survive in it..when I look back at how far I've travelled (what would be called 'transitioned') I see immensity, a landscape, like when you climb that cliff and look back in awe, did you really just do it?!... You can tell by your shadow, maybe my shadow says more about me then anyone could ever know.. what's in the knowing, what could you know about me that you could see in my leaves I fall to the ground, like passing and rebirth but trans people aren't allowed to change even though change is constantly happening around me.. I watch the leaves turn colour, fall and get crunchy... I look up to my favourite flowers ~Bougainvillea ~ and imagine what it's like to be so beautiful, the beauty is in the bud of imagining even if my lovers tell me I'm handsome and I can't hear it... these flowers remind me of childhood tomboy days in Kenya, rough n tumble, scratches and scars set amongst flashes of bright pink or orange... flowers and memories.. I tattoo myself to remember what I want to sometimes forget ~ the happy temporary moments ~ bc when things get so hard it feels like crashing apart and I'm not sure if it hurts more or less to hang on...its been bumpy on the way I can tell you, but the bumps let me know what my boundaries are, what I'm willing to endure and what I'm not. I've been on and coming off and on and off and here and there, and she and he and they and I'm still uncertain where il end up, on T or off of it.. ..i reach out to my community in the darkness to shed some light, a prayer of hope..

🌹 P O E T R Y 🌹 Be more like a Rose πŸ₯€ Be at one with (your) nature Take time to sniff the roses. Be the flower you always wanted to become. Be fragrant, generous and abundant to the other deserving flowers. Be (more) intimate with yourself ~ an object of beauty, layered and unfurling, each layer shed important to the being. Afterall there would be no rose without all the petals and no rose petal is the same in design. Protect yourself with thorns but prick only when you absolutely need to. Be sweet and sharp Delicate yet bold. Be soft be soft be soft. Be more like a rose. A rose is a rose is a rose But sometimes that's not enough take things as they are Or become the rose instead. πŸ₯€


🍏R E C I P E ~ Apple pastries🍎 "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" is an old Welsh proverb that most of us are familiar with, atleast in the west. You may not be aware its a Welsh saying and nor was I until my recent trip to Wales. 🍎 This is a recipe with local apples from my travels in Wales. Easy to make even on travels! 🍏 Apples are good for you! Hence the saying. Vit C, B complex, dietary fiber, photonutrients, minerals. πŸ₯ METHOD ~bake cubed apples (lemon juice, brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg, apple cider) in oven for 30mins on 170 celcius til soft but still firm. ~ gluten free puff pastry, self made or shop bought cut into 10cm squares ~ fill centre of pastry with apple mixture ~ fold over corners into centre ~seal and coat with egg yolk wash (or milk/dairy free milk) ~ bake on greased pan for 15 mins on 200 celcius til golden brown on top and base. ~eat with custard or cream or on its own! (Oatly custard is my fave) πŸ₯ NOTE: ~glutenfree pastry needs an egg or milk wash or it won't brown. ~glutenfree pastry can tear easily bc it is drier and less pliable than wheat so take extra care but it can be resealed with moisture e.g. water/milk/eggs ~ Swansea is seriously glutenfree friendly!!! 🍎🍏


🀯E G O🀯 The ego is responsible for so much of ourselves and yet we hardly ever question its significance. There are valid reasons why we question our value and worth, our purpose and desires. Especially in an unequal world. 🀯 However, so much is geared towards our ego that sometimes it goes on overdrive and all we can think about is ourselves, our fulfillment, whether we live up to our or others expectations. It becomes a battle between insecurity and narcissism, we can get depressed thinking about where we fit into it all and we seek self love to find a way to be OK in it all. 🀯 Sometimes you have to put yourself aside. Sometimes you need to feel small and insignificant compared to the vastness of the earth we live on. To feel fragile and temporary. To reflect on what is actually important in the scene of things. Anxiety can make us feel like we are SO MUCH. Like there's nothing beyond us and it's all us and that's it. 🀯 I love being in nature for this reason. It offers an alternative perspective. We cannot compare to it and yet we are part of it but a very small part. We are tiny and so so young compared to the countless age of what surrounds us in wisdom. Nature knows how to survive intrinsically and it does so not by thinking but by being. 🀯 Sometimes it's good to feel tiny. To know we are a guest. To feel a part of a giant puzzle that we feature in but don't star in. It brings an immediate sense of equality as we are all rendered unimportant in comparison to the bigger scheme of things. 🀯 Don't get me wrong, I want us to blossom and bloom yellow and purple, to stand out amongst the grey, to grow in the cracks, to flourish in splendour like all the greens coming together in medley. To continue to grow. But lets sometimes step back, look at the view and be stunned by where we begin and where we end, where it begins and where it all ends. 🀯 My problems disappeared today, swallowed up by the immensity of our earth. I was truly humbled and relieved to not be so important. 🀯

A C C O U N T A B I L I T Y 🐟 There's a saying: 'there's plenty more fish in the sea' which suggests that there is more out there for you to experience so as to not get fixated or stuck on one thing, usually a person in a relationship but this can also be extended to an institution or a workplace or even seeking accountability. 🐟 This is white bait I'm eating. The connection between white bait and the white institutions I've been caught up in dawned on me today. These tiny fishes get caught in the fishing line or net and then get chomped on indiscriminately by the likes of me. However, I realised that I don't want to take the bait: 🐟 Bait: ~food placed on a hook or in a net, trap, or fishing area to entice fish or other animals as prey. ~to deliberately annoy or taunt (someone). 🐟 I don't want to be chewed up like these fish. 🐟 I've battled with an institution recently (in a grievance) to take accountability for intersectional discrimination that I faced on account of a lack of policy and procedure as well as misconduct. Its been anxiety inducing, stressful and impacted my health and wellbeing. It reignited my insecurities about my self worth and value. The organisation have done everything to obstruct justice and there's no point fighting their fuckery. 🐟 Today I put a stop to it by leaving. Some would say I gave up and lost or that they had won but its a matter of perspective. I see it as their demise and my peace of mind. Its their loss and my gain. I get to focus my energies where I'm/they are wanted and welcomed with open arms. This is my bench mark from now on. This is my worth and I'm not settling for less. They will continue to be mediocre. 🐟 The thing is that there aren't plenty of fish in the sea, the sea is being polluted and the fish are dying. This is what violence (some) humans are enacting onto life on this planet we live in. If only (all) humans could be accountable and put things right, value life in all its forms and treat life with respect and care instead of harm and superiority we could all be OK. 🐟 Maybe this is the last white bait I ever eat. 🐟

βš“ P E R S E R V E R E N C E βš“ Sometimes you feel like your dragging yourself through thick sticky mud and it keeps slowing you down. βš“ Sometimes you can feel that it's endless and tiring you out. That you aren't getting anywhere. You may feel that the mud sticks to you and you become it or it becomes you. βš“ This is how I've felt recently in institutionally racist spaces. Dragging myself through it and not knowing how much more I can take. I feel tired, and not just physically but emotionally and psychologically too. βš“ I dont want to end up stuck. I want to make a noticeable mark and I want to be noticed for all my worth. I don't expect to glide through but I don't want to wade either. βš“ Today I looked back and saw my footprint embedded in the mud, pronounced and standing it's ground. I didn't feel like this but it gives me hope that I might feel like that soon, after I have taken a break and recovered. It can be hard to notice the significant marks you make, but mostly bc they will be washed away by the sea, the moral being: make sure you notice them yourself before they disappear behind you, even if no one else does. Also know that you will make plenty more marks ahead as you persevere, (even though you are allowed to retreat to the side like a crab when you need to or sidestep in a different direction), so you needn't look back at all. βš“ The first step and basis of foundation is knowing and believing your own worth no matter how frustrating it is when others do not or cannot bc of their structure or culture which doesn't allow it. βš“ Also hang in there, just like those shells clinging on to the rocks, but know when it's time to let go and when it's time to find a new rock home. βš“

The View

⛱️ R E T R E A T 🌊 Sometimes you need to retreat. To reflect. To recouperate. To rest. To actually get a break. I often get roped or embroiled in some stressful situ so it's good to get off grid to reset. I got a really lucky opportunity to spend time in a family friends holiday home by the beach. It was easy to travel to and cheap to get to. I've been retreating and resting and healing at home but I needed to get away. Where there is a fresh breeze, vast landscape and quiet. Where I can chill, read, draw, write and maybe even swim. I find it hard to leave home, especially when healing, bc all my meds and aids are at home. I have a special diet and becomes difficult when you travel. Thankfully I have what I need here bc it's equipped and I've also brought what I need. I've become an expert in travelling while sick and knowing what to pack. It's also literally on the beach so fatigue friendly and I can sit on the balcony when I'm too tired to leave. 🌀️ I've also realised what I need to heal is within me. I'm returning to a quote that's been haunting me recently -'The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you already are - Rumi So I have what I need inside me to tap into, I have the surroundings I need that I have gotten to and used the resources I have to make it happen........ . for one W H O L E week. πŸŒŠπŸŒŠπŸŒŠπŸŒŠπŸŒŠπŸ’›πŸŒ€οΈ πŸ’™ H A P P Y H E A L I N G πŸ’™

🍫R E C I P E ~ CHOCOLATE🍫 I made mini medicinal chocolate bars because: ~ they are a healthy tasty treat ~I love the mindful process of moulding them ~ they make great gifts 🍫 These are pink peppercorn and himalayan salt with yacon sweetened cocoa nibs dark choc 72% = salty + sweet + spicy + crunchy goodness 🍫 Tempering chocolate is complicated and a skill but you could just melt and pour or watch an instructional video (I might make one another time). However tempering gives you a shiny chocolate that doesn't melt in your hands at room temp and gives it a good snap quality. Basically it's heating choc up to 57 degrees and then beating it vigorously to a cooler 27 degrees to break down sugar crystals into a uniform shape and amalgamate the fats. 🍫 Can't wait to try one! Thinking of selling these.

R E C I P E ~ M a n g o (where is the mango emoji tho) πŸ’› Today I'm making a pickle with ripe green mango (they accidently ripened V fast in this heat) and seeding and planting mango seeds from them and a larger sweet Sindhri Pakistani mango to grow mango plants. This tropical weather plus @josinaz13.8 and permaculture garden @may_gdn got me thinking to do it when I visited last week with a box of mangos. 🧑 Mixed Pickle recipe: 1 med jar 2 un/ripe small green mangos (will be sweeter if ripe) 1 small shallot 4 baby cloves garlic I lime with rind 1 T of toasted fenugreek and mustard seeds (I had a mix so added fennel and cumin too) 1/2 t of chilli powder 1/2 t salt 1 T oil (rapeseed or sunflower/ olive or sesame) πŸ’› Wash n dry, chop fruit n onion, peel cloves and add, toast seeds and grind, add all spices and seasoning, heat oil and add. Heating oil increases longevity as does sterilising equipment and jar with boiling water. Lasts approx 2 weeks in fridge. πŸ’› Clean and dry husk of mangos (easier to remove it when completely dry). With a sharp knife pierce husk away from hump without damaging seed inside. Prize it open with butter knife and fingers. Remove seed. Wrap it in paper towel and spray it til completely damp. Place in a plastic bag with air and close seal/tie. Label and put it in a warm place for 2 weeks and it will have sprouted. I will update with planting it once it's reached that stage. 🧑 You can enjoy the pickle while you wait 2 weeks for the seeds to sprout! Bingo. πŸ’›

Nairobi, Kenya

πŸ’›D E A T HπŸ˜‡ My mother's older brother just passed away in Kenya today. My uncle is featured here with my mother in embrace, my mother who is nicknamed 'baby' bc she was the youngest but actually died the first out of all her siblings though she suffered the least. Two of her siblings, an aunt in Australia and uncle in Kenya remain. My grandmother is on the left, also passed tragically in a car crash in the early 80's when I was 5 and my uncles wife, my aunt also passed away a while back from cancer. It was sad bc I wasn't in contact with family at that time on account of not being accepted for being trans so I didn't get to say goodbye. These are horrible deaths but these people were happy, joyful, kind, special people. It's important to remember them for who they were. I really enjoyed their company. My aunt would make the best food and the best jokes (she was hilarious and a huge gossip) when we visited Kenya yearly we always wanted to stay with her and my uncle. My mum and her were best fam friends. My uncle was a Robert de Niro lookalike and a body builder til his 60's. He was quite subdued and very sweet so I don't know much about his life as my aunt was the big personality in their relationship. When she died he became even more subdued. They had the sweetest love marriage that you can imagine and he was heartbroken she was gone. I always thought they were the only het couple I knew from S Asian culture who had such a good union. It's lovely to see this photo of all of them together. I don't know what I think about the afterlife but I hope they are all together somehow somewhere.They would be having such a laugh I know. I don't really believe in heaven but I do believe in spirits as I feel my mother and grandmother watching over me. I'm realising that death is a part of life not just the end of it. I'm getting better at accepting it. Alot of people I have loved have died and will continue to. Its important to honour them when they do. I will do a ritual in honour for my mamaji today as I know he is resting in peace but could use a parting prayer. πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’ͺπŸΌπŸ’˜πŸ§‘

A D D I C T I O N πŸ’” from about 2003 ~2007 (my 20's) I was DJin as dj rock it (science) on the queer scene in London, Stockholm, Helsinki, Portland, for co~organised nights like Q~rush, Dykebar, Mutiny, and as resident ~ Club Wotever aswell as a bunch of squat parties n fundraisers in the anarcho queer punk scene. I spent practically every night in a club/bar/party and I was livin a hedonistic life. These are the queer underground times I recall fondly, the days of rriot grrl and electro punk. The other truth is that there was so much free alcohol n drugs circulating and I developed huge addictions. It was messy and I was a mess. My addictions were being fuelled by a lifestyle I loved but was killing me. Queer culture was accepting of excess so no one was necessarily looking out to help those battling with addiction. The community was full of us battling trauma and soothing it with drugs n alcohol with a huge political front that didn't ironically address this. πŸ‘¨πŸ½β€πŸŽ€ Funnily enough recently 'detransitioning' has allowed me to access a former self I had buried when I left this scene, which I had to, to survive. Getting sober was HARD (5 years) but something I eased into but I had to give up a part of myself, shut that part down in fear of it uprising. I became subdued, more introverted, less popular, cut ties to people (white queers) and places (queer club scenes). I lost community but found another (QTIPoC). I moved on and didn't dwell but a big part of me was changed and some parts lost. I've never really honoured those parts. I ran away from them and became someone else, a better self. Unarchiving them has been a way to unpack it all, revisit and reclaim myself but also grieve. 😎 I can go to clubs/ parties now. I can be sober at them but tbh I find them quite boring after living this kind of lifestyle at a historic time in London. Call it queer ageing, commercialisation of queer culture, closure of queer spaces or a rise in queer aesthetics. I do miss those dark nights, lights and loud noise with hardly a camera in sight where you could freely explore and express yourself. Shame there isn't a good enough archive of this moment in her/their story though.

Northwest Culinary Academy of Vancouver

πŸ’ͺ🏼A D V E R S I T Y πŸ™πŸΌ Make your dreams happen, however you can. Believe in yourself even when others deny who you are. πŸ₯ I struggled to get to where I am. πŸ₯– In 2009 I was unemployable on account of being transgender and my papers not matching my identity. I was forced to give up a career in artist teaching. πŸ₯¨ I was receiving state benefits to survive. I got an opportunity to set up a business on a gov scheme and I set up 'Naughty and Nice Cakes'. I later decided to train as a pastry chef and left the country for a couple years. I gave up everything I had and earned. Friends supported me thru it. I am so grateful. 🍞 When I returned in 2012 I became homeless and was still 'transitioning'. I couldn't keep up the business as I needed financial investments I didn't have to make it viable. I worked in some corporate (well known) companies but couldn't handle how macho it was and my health wasn't good in these hard-core working models. I wasn't saving money and I was exhausted. πŸͺ I joined community ventures such as the Hornbeam Bakers Collective and we baked delicious healthy real bread for market stalls, veg boxes and we also independently ran baking workshops for all ages. It was a blast! 🍰 I gave it all up for many reasons but mainly to focus on my art practice and due to poor health. More recently I've been trying to fuse art and food together. Baking and cooking is my passion! πŸ₯§ I found these clippings today (my old name) from South London newspaper and Evening Standard that I featured in and also feedback forms and it made me smile in memory. I never thought I would've reached where I did and I did it through immense struggle. I still have more to strive for and I've been thinking of rekindling my baking business. Let's see (rubs hands together). It's in the making.

How to rebalance an out of balance compost bin with green and brown material. Tips. Turn every week/fortnight/month ~ however often you can.

πŸ“ΌG R O W T H🌱 A G E I N G πŸ•’ There are versions of yourself you will not recognise anymore. You are not who you used to be. You've come a long way. πŸ•‘ This is me, starting at 16 and ending at 40~ A baby femme, fatter, niave but also so smart about the world already. This was the beginning of my addictions period that carried on through most of my gender~queer 20's depicted, when I was figuring out who I wanted to be in the world, inc but not limited to my gender. πŸ• 25 years later and so much has happened. I grew. πŸ•’ I became sober about the time the photo 4 was taken in my late 20's. It took 5yrs to get through it and 10 yrs to go through gender reassignment and I haven't looked back since. πŸ•ž So basically, I stopped dating wastemen as a teenager. I developed addictions and became sober in my late 20's and I changed my gender/ names in my 30's and got more comfortable in my identity in my 40's. Well but there's so so much more... πŸ•“ But mostly I grew into who I am because of all this. It can be hard to look back at previous selves but they are precisely how you got here ~ honour them and what they went thru. πŸ•Ÿ I'm queer ageing and an elder now AND REFLECTING ON THIS ~ I've been through so much. I'm still here and still learning. Sometimes I think: what has happened in all this time and who am I right now?! Still questioning. πŸ•” finding these photos today reminded me of my journey and just how far I've come.

How to address mealy bug infestations successfully with more info on types of Infestationa and what plants they effect part 2

How to address mealy bug infestations successfully with a special tip for a solution. Part 1 of 2 as had a camera issue.

🌞F E E L I N G SπŸŒͺ️ 🌈 ALOT has happened to me this July. 2 absent parent's birthdays, job interview (I probably didn't get), graduation, a grievance, a very sick uncle and there's times with loved ones, watching my plants thrive... love and pride, anger and sadness. ! SO MANY EMOTIONS! 🌬️ Feel your emotions. Let them come over you. Smile in the moment knowing they won't defeat you. Allow them to be. Let them wash over you with the breeze. πŸŒ₯️ Being in and with your emotions allows you to tap into your inner strength, turmoil and your sensitivity and vulnerabilities. They make you a whole person rather than bits n pieces you hide from others or worse yourself. β˜„οΈ They let you know who you are in the world, what you want and need. Without them you will be empty, searching and lost. ⚑ When it gets overwhelming stop. Pause. Breathe. Get out or away. Like I did today, to the beach. Feel them there, somewhere safe/calm/peaceful. Do what you need.... To feel.

πŸ“–A C H I E V E M E N TπŸ“‘ I'm an over achiever. Which means I often do not give recognition or acknowledgement for my talents or I undermine them and feel they aren't enough OR I'm always striving for more and for the next. This would be an ongoing pattern bc I was trying to prove myself, to myself for my own self worth but also to others always judging me who told me I wasn't good enough. (we all do this to ourselves to different extents). I used to be SO focused on getting the thing vs being present for the thing once I got it. Today I was present for myself and in my body. I celebrated my self and not just my achievement but myself in my achievement. I reflected on how hard I had worked, how many obstacles I faced and overcame, honoured the effort and allowed imperfection in reflecting on the process. Some things could've been better, some could've been worse, but all in all I was satisfied. The hardest part was sharing it but today I really enjoyed allowing others to share this celebration with me. Celebrate your achievements, ALWAYS and do it for yourself.

R E C I P E 🧑HEALING A VIRUS🧑 when I get fever, sore throat and a cold I'm really good at healing bc unlike a chronic illness I'm pretty clear on what I need to do! 🧑 ~ starve the virus and not feed it ~ rest (yyyeah like properly) ~ conserve energy ~ keep warm ~ stay hydrated ~ eat v little and often ~ up vitamin intake (naturally if poss) 🧑 Sharing 3 (chronic health friendly) remedies: 1. Fresh juice: carrot, orange, apple, ginger, garlic, tumeric, lime and mint (for vits, antibiotic, anti inflammatory, anti viral) it's fireyπŸ”₯ πŸ₯• 2. Tea: thyme, echinacia, neem, lemon balm, oregano oil or leaves, manuka honey, (anti bac, alleviates cough/sore or chesty throat, calm/destresses, anti viral) πŸƒπŸŒΏ 3. Food with chilli and/or wasabi. (this is controversial but I swear by it) feat spicy chirashi which is easy to eat and digest. But if u can make a soup with lots of veg/ fish/chicken broth even better! (anti bac, immunity, respiratory, decongestant, esp for painful sinuses plus strength from easy to digest food). Chilli also clears the system and gets the motions going faster. Light meals packed with nutrients so ur not draining ur system but boosting it. 🌢️ 🍲 I might make a soup recipe to share tomorrow when I'm not confined to my bed and have more energy. 🍲 🧑Happy Healing 🧑

πŸ’‰T R A N S F O R M A T I O NπŸ’‰ πŸ’• Ive been carrying a loaded tattoo for too many years ~ about 15 yrs. It was my first and I did it in a loved up creative whim. Matching tattoos are ALOT. It was cute while it lasted but its a new era. I initially got a tattoo to challenge my fear of permanence which I don't regret. I've always been more inclined to change and shifting which I mostly embody in my gender expressions. So this transformation of tattoo is liberating for this reason. I never wanted it removed. πŸ’‰πŸ’• I realised that I was ignoring the part of my body it was on and wouldn't look at or touch it. Now I feel more fully embodied in my body, or atleast closer to that. πŸ’‰πŸ’• Letting go of the past is complex, in many ways I needed to let go and in others there are beautiful connotations and memories, for example the comix we cocreated in this time. πŸ’‰πŸ’• I'm holding space for both. πŸ’‰πŸ’• Letting go of past relationships, letting go of patterns of harm that come with them, letting go of pain and trauma of love lost to heal. Honouring the beauty and creativity they nourished. Cherishing the fluidity of form and ability to shape shift. πŸ’‰πŸ’• Thanks to @innerbotanicals / @aevtarperform for the healing experience πŸ’•

πŸ‘₯Absence πŸ•³οΈ Absence is a form of loss but is also distinct from it. Sometimes absence creates a lack but sometimes through absence you are unaware of a lack since it did not exist in the first place, thus not missing something you did not have in the first place. πŸ•³οΈ I've been reflecting on this in terms of not having a father in my life for most of it. Since It's my father's birthday today, its fresh in my mind. πŸ•³οΈ Why does an absent parent('s birthday) create such presence? πŸ•³οΈ What does that person represent that creates this absent presence? πŸ•³οΈ Acknowledging its impact on me. The sadness and disappointment that lies underneath the anger. πŸ•³οΈ What is beneath that is needed, wanted or longed for? What is on the tip of the tongue that's so hard to swallow or spit out? Which emotions do we injest that wreak havoc on our internal organs and systems? What is deep down in the gut that is festering? What desires pump through our veins ~ for example my complex relationship to masculinity and daddy issues. πŸ•³οΈ What does it mean to be so connected and simultaneously disconnected to a liniage, a body, an energy, or to associations and projections or expectations. πŸ•³οΈ When there is a void we often fill it ~ today I'm doing the work to ~not figure this out ~ but to dig, to meditate and contemplate on it in order to consciously embody and to hopefully release. πŸ•³οΈ [image: a dusty photo of a younger child version of me in pajamas in a room with orange brown seventies furniture, gender ambiguous, sitting on my fathers lap and patting my father's beard with a reflection of an older version of myself ghosting the image] πŸ•³οΈ

πŸ™‹πŸΌβ€β™‚οΈA C C O U N T A B I L I T YπŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ ✴️ Who's looking out for you? Who's checking in on you? Who's keeping track on how you are doing in your journey? ✴️ In this day n age we need to practice self~accountability. ✴️ Being accountable for yourself is important bc you know where u r at and u r probably the one who knows how to do shit about it. ✴️ I use this profile as a way to be self accountable, to keep on track with my healing when I know it could be easier to forget, to not take it seriously, to pretend or be in denial. It creates a tool for self reflection and awareness. It let's me take note of where I'm at and where I need to be (metaphorically and literally). This week I was feeling so much better (which is great) that truth is I kinda overdid it 😰. I've been galavanting and having ALOT of social time 😁 which is just as needed in my healing, but I also haven't rested enough. I haven't checked in enough with my body. ✴️ It was only til I stumbled across this still pond today that I was stopped in my tracks and I realised (Stop. Breathe.) sometimes u can't see the pond for the reeds. ✴️ So I'm having an early night tnite and I'm going to make sure that when I'm out and about, I have what I need and check in with myself so I know when I need to go home, (even if that means asking someone else to check in with me). Noticing when I need stillness, quiet, nourishment, and rest. This is what it means to be accountable to and for myself.

🌍A N C E S T R Y🌍 losing parents, not having grandparents and losing contact with relatives due to identity can make you lose touch with your ancestry ~ but not your ancestors~ Your ancestors will always be with you whether you are aware of them or not. I know I carry complex ancestry, by intuition, what little I've been told and how I've been mis/read by other people. Im often asked if I'm mixed race, confused people, been interrogated or had features pointed out. People often claim me or ask if I belong to _____ racial or ethic group. Truth is I'm ambiguous. It's been a battle to know myself but I've also relished in the freedom of not knowing. I recently did a DNA test, mainly for health reasons and it revealed some interesting info. Not sure what it tells me about my identity (I need to do much more research into migrations in history) but it does tell me that my ancestors have always been moving. DNA tests are not unflawed. 'Asian' category of which I'm 88%/three quarters is just so big and diverse and there isn't enough info within that category so I'm still unsure of my migration within S Asia. But what I have is from that outside of it, which is about 25‰/quarter of my heritage. It turns out I have Central Asian ancestry from Afghanistan and Tajikistan (Shugnan). I also have Eastern European/Western Asian ancestry from Caucas region (Kumyk/Turkic) near Caspian Sea. They would've likely travelled from Turkey and/or Iran as I have south European ancestry from Greece and of Roma people in S Europe. That line would've then eventually have gone back to East Africa (our origins) which is interesting as my recent migration has been through East Africa to the UK. Its almost a triangle/ circle. I'm not sure what this says about me but it is interesting to note how we cling on to certain cultural heritage yet often its V transient. The test revealed my Panjabi ancestry is only 7% which is the same as S Europe heritage. I had always known my family didn't stay long in Panjab and yet it is the strongest cultural identity I have known. I've always wondered if I could call my self 'Indian' and do, yet this is the least I know about my ancestry. (cont...)

πŸ‘ΎI D E N T I T YπŸ‘Ύ feelin yourself, as in feeling like yourself + feeling yourself, feeling love for yourself = empowerment. πŸ‘„ This PRIDE month, I've been feelin really proud of myself, of my work achievements yes (which is important as we can often ignore and not celebrate ourselves) but especially on my healing journey and who I am in the world. I have been really taking care with a noticeable outcome. Self care has been both fun and extremely challenging. 'Self love' is so loaded right. πŸ‘„ For me, my wellbeing is so much wrapped in my identity, whether I like it or not. πŸ‘„ If I can't be myself, leaving parts of myself all over the place, keep getting misgendered or misrecognised, can't express my self for fear of violence, I disassociate ~ and it's not the usual internal disassociation associated with trans people not identifying with their own bodies ~ My disassociation comes from the external (mis) treatment I almost constantly face. Similarly, I am dis~abled by society, not by my own varying abilities. πŸ‘„ By caring for and being fully present in my body, despite and inspite of this, I have started to really be in my body in order to feel my body, to feel like somebody....and I've learned some important things about myself and my community. πŸ‘„ [ a non binary transgender disabled person wearing a white, pink and grey sweatshirt self embroidered in bright blue with 'them fatale' looking comfortable and pleased with themselves]

A snack or breakfast meal using kefir and yogurt with nuts, fruits, seeds, grains (can also make grain free) full of nutrients, vitamins, protein and fiber. Remember soaking grains allows better absorption of nutrients.

Sorry but this vid recorded out of sync with audio and video for some mysterious reason. But info is all there and it's watchable. Instructions here: Happy to pass on grains to anyone!

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